After approx. 60 days of new daily content, we’re taking a little break. We are also celebrating our 100th post! We deserve it. Yes we do. No, FUCK YOU!
by Michelle Dee
Being a girl on a social networking site, you learn really fast that you are a target for losers looking for a booty call. This is the case no matter your relationship status. I found so much humor in this, I decided to create a singles profile on a dating website just to bait suckers like the one below. Please, enjoy the outcome!
Dab1971: hello beautiful,how are you?
Michelle Dee: i’m ok
Dab1971: good, i am to since i heard from beautiful :) so whats a good looking lady like yourself doing single?
Michelle Dee: well i was married.. then I divorced, so now I’m single.
Dab1971: lol, same as me,i was married for 10 yrs been divorced for 5 yrs
Michelle Dee: lol
Dab1971: so you date black guys
Michelle Dee: not currently
by ANDREW HICKS
Has this happened to you? You’re watching a movie. You’re enjoying it, you’re entertained, you think it’s winding down, you go to check the timer on the DVD remote — and there’s AN HOUR LEFT!
You knew it was a 150-minute time commitment. You feel like you’ve already invested that much. Now you’re trying to figure out what could possibly still happen to these characters in this movie. Will they introduce a long-lost relative? Is the main character going to get cancer? Is it about to turn into a musical?
My favorite part of a long, epic movie is always the first half. I love the epic setup. I usually had my fill in the VHS days right around the part where you switched to Tape 2. I never got to Tape 2. I’d be talking about one of those movies with someone like, “Yeah, Schindler’s List was awesome.”
They’d be like, “What about the part where they were slaughtering all the Jews?”
“What? Don’t remember that part. Are you sure we were watching the same movie? The movie I was watching was this great cinematic exercise where they were setting up a cool black-and-white factory.”
by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS
1961 – Petula Clark has her first #1 single in Britain. The same day, 32 British mothers name their newborn babies Petula. Not a one of those 32 British broads grows up happy to be named Petula.
1965 – First day of filming on The Beatles‘ second movie, with the working title Eight Arms to Hold You. The young son of a Japanese gaffer on set is so inspired by the title that he begins an obsession culminating decades later with the birth of tentacle hentai.
1971 – George Harrison is fined and banned from driving for a year. What is he being fined? Probably for handing out flowers at the airport. My Sweet Lord.
In 1977, members of The Eagles, Fleetwood Mac and The Bee Gees have a three-day drunken, drugged-out orgy, after which they all make a pact to never talk about it. In 1978, when all three acts win Grammies and make acceptance speeches, they prove what liars they are.
1978 – David Coverdale’s Whitesnake makes its concert debut at the Sky Bird Club in England. Funny that Coverdale named his band “Whitesnake” after his own penis. Equally funny that every male WNF writer named his penis “Sky Bird Club.”
1978 – Sex Pistols front man Sid Vicious is arrested in New York for possession of drugs. Sid’s mother is shocked. She’s the only one.
1979 – Dire Straits play their first American show in Boston. (Unfortunately, the Celtics beat them 104-12.) The concert is cut short so they can make a couple quick bucks helping some guy in the front row move some refrigerators, and also, some color TVs.
1985 – Stevie Wonder is arrested during an anti-apartheid demonstration outside the South African Embassy in Washington. Just before the cuffs go on, Stevie is thinking to himself that McDonald’s seems awfully busy for a Saturday morning. Wonder is released after questioning by police (“Mr. Wonder, can you tell us what you saw here today?”).
1985 – The Smiths are #1 on British album charts with Meat Is Murder (But Bacon Is Goddamn Beautiful).
1988 – Michael Jackson kicks off the second leg of his Bad World Tour, which is also the debut of his problematic third leg (“allegedly”).
1989 – Isaac Hayes is jailed by an Atlanta judge for owing almost $350,000 in child support and alimony. The judge remarks that Isaac is a guilty mother–SHUT YO MOUTH!
Silas just got his first tooth. He’s currently celebrating by screaming his head off.
Awwwwww. Poor wittle guy.
The only downside is that he stole it from a homeless vagabond.
I am not missing a tooth.
You’re not the only homeless drifting vagabond out there, Mike. The world of lack of proper shelter doesn’t revolve around you. Now, did you want tomato or onion soup tonight?
by ANNE GARDNER
edited by ANDREW HICKS
5. CELEBRITY POLITICIANS
As if we need to add more drama to politics, endless actors feel it necessary to literally broadcast their opinions. These opinions are inevitably laced with uninformed, fruity bullshit and are always overly dramatic. Last October, for example, Rob Reiner called everyone who didn’t support certain social changes and additions “Nazis.” Seriously?
So, because I don’t want to endlessly support some good-for-nothing leech through welfare and/or healthcare, who incidentally also begs me to trade his food stamps for cash at my local grocery store (yeah, pretty sure I already paid for those with my tax money, sport), then uses any cash he gleans from some poor schmuck on drugs, cigarettes, alcohol and cell phone minutes to call the baby momma he’s not supporting, MY character and political view are now comparable to those of a 1940s fascist dictator who wanted to wipe an entire race off the face of the planet just for shits? Yeah. Thanks for trying, but, no.
Really, Rob, shut the fuck up. When these dummies weigh in on our political climate and certain hot-topic issues, I enjoy their performance of their actual jobs a little bit less. They should just stick to what they know: acting, directing, performing, writing, collecting sick amounts of money at my expense (although not at my tax expense, thank Christ), and snorting amounts of coke worth enough to rebuild Haiti from its next disaster.
4. THE TIGER WOODS [or insert most recent celebrity here] AFFAIR
I. Don’t. Get it. What the fuck happened to a celebrity’s right to cheat? Okay, now, I know he’s a public figure with lots of little children who look up to him and want to be just like Tiger someday, but really, what the hell is going on here? We take a sick amount of interest in the private lives of our celebrities but then are genuinely amazed when one them does something that, oh my God, is just like every other celebrity.
by JAMES DRAPER
edited by ANDREW HICKS
It’s kind of weird when you have one of those “big picture” moments, when something happens to you — or someone around you — that makes you reflect on the sum of the parts in life. I had kind of a big-picture weekend.
On Friday night, I attended a visitation to mourn the loss of a friend. I knew her better and was much closer to her in high school and a little bit after that. But, as most friendships go, we lost touch and hadn’t seen each other in a long time. In the past few years, I would see her once in a blue moon. We’d talk for a bit, the usual, “How’s your family? What’ve you been up to?” and things like that. We weren’t very close, but we were still friends, and we had shared some good times together. It was sad to have seen her for the last time. And to know that those who were much closer to her would miss her even more.
by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS
Online dating site for thugs: G-HARMONY.
…for last-ditch desperation: PLEA-HARMONY.
…for homosexual TV fanatics: GLEE-HARMONY
…for the mentally challenged: REE-REE-HARMONY.
…for little people: WEE-HARMONY.
Online dating site for itchy bitches: FLEA-HARMONY.
…for my flower pollinators out there: BEE-HARMONY.
…for middle-aged men looking for showpiece wives: TROPHY-HARMONY.
…for Will Smith fans: JIGGY-HARMONY.
…for hot-tubbers: JACUZZI-HARMONY.
Online dating site for swingers: KEY-HARMONY.
…sponsored by NAMBLA: PRE-HARMONY.
…for “social” cocaine users: SKI-HARMONY.
…for dumb racist americans: TEA-HARMONY.
…for people with OCD: 1-2-3-HARMONY.
Online dating site for fellatio performance artists: KNEE-HARMONY.
…for extraterrestrial invaders: V-HARMONY.
…for French midget Nintendo lovers: OUI-WEE-WII-HARMONY.
…for the Greatest Of All Time: ALI-HARMONY.
…for Arbor Day enthusiasts: TREE-HARMONY.
Online dating site for skinheads: NAZI-HARMONY.
…for those who head out to the front porch with their boomboxes and St. Ides: 40-HARMONY.
…for the homies feelin’ Thuggish Ruggish: BONE THUGS AND HARMONY-HARMONY.
…for people who like to be absolutely sure… for people who like to be absolutely sure: REDUNDANCY-HARMONY.
Online dating site that’s a real trip: LSD-HARMONY.
…where all your wishes will come true: GENIE-HARMONY.
…for cheese lovers: BRIE-HARMONY.
…for salad tossers: SYRUP OR JELLY-HARMONY.
…for HEY LOOK, A SQUIRREL! Wait, what?? ADD-HARMONY.
All my life I have been clumsy. I can trip up the stairs, walk on my own feet and trip and fall when the ground is flat. I have learned to fall slowly so I don’t hurt myself, and have learned to get up and make sure that it looked like I fell on purpose. Like I attacked the ground. Yeah… take that ground!!! Tremble when when I am near….don’t make me tell you again…I’m a bad mother (shut yo mouth!)
So the other day when I fell yet again, was I mad because it kind of hurt…no. Was I mad because it made me look stupid…no. I was mad because I am a shoe connoisseur and I got mud on my favorite pair of shoes! I was all dressed up ready to rock out one of my jewelry shows and somehow I thought it was time to attack the ground again. But this time the ground fought back and left its battle scar on my shoe!!! I was so frustrated, as a Jewelry Lady you have to have a certain look, and well, mud just doesn’t seem to convey that look.
by ANDREW HICKS
I was a restaurant server for many years, and during our down times, the ultimate hypothetical question was: If you got sat with a 13-top (that’s a party of 13 in restaurantese), and it was Jesus and the disciples sitting down for the Last Supper, would you want to wait on it?
Someone would always say, “Sure, I mean, it’s Jesus, the most important religious and historical figure of all time. That’s a big deal. I might make it into the painting and everything!”
Then someone else would always say, “No way. I hate waiting on Christians. They tip like crap.” And, you know, that stereotype is pretty much true. The Bible tells believers to give 10 percent to God, so why would they give their server 20 percent? Good restaurant service is a godsend, but it’s not worth twice the dough you cough up to the Almighty.
Usually, you get an 8 percent tip with one of those Are You Going To Heaven? pamphlets on top. Which, if you get one of those, the answer is assumed to be “hell no.” Your customer analyzed your manner, your demeanor and your choice of small-talk topics and determined you were a heathen in need of redemption via mass-printed, poorly written, completely impersonal contact.
Me, I would definitely choose to wait on the Last Supper. Because I’m pretty sure from scripture that if you touch whatever part of your body ails you to any part of Jesus or his Holy Robe, you are instantly healed.
You could walk up to the table, say, “Lemme get that empty bread plate outta your way, sir,” then lean in, grab the plate, do a little pivot turn, and touch your back to Jesus’ shoulder before he’d even realize what was going on.
You’d be in the back of house, coworkers giving you crap: “I see you’re waiting on Jesus out there. What did he order for everyone, a fish sandwich with 12 extra plates?”
And you’d be like, “As a matter of fact, he did, but I don’t even care because I think he just healed my bad back, and he didn’t even know it.”
Later on, you’re dropping the check: “Does anyone care for some Cinammon Matzo Mania or Kosher Chocolate Strudel tonight? No? Okay, well then, just pay me whenever you’re ready.” Lean way over Jesus, present the check at the center of the table, and kind of mash your crotch into his back while you’re doing it. And exit to the back of house.
COWORKER: I bet he pays with a gift card and leaves you two bucks.
YOU: Yeah, well, I’ll be sure to cry about that after I go home and have sex with my wife with my penis that suddenly works again…
by BUDDAH ESKEW
edited by ANDREW HICKS
For the lovers and just plain masturbators out there, this is my bouquet of twisted Valentine tips:
- Introduce your white girlfriend to your black girlfriend and serenade them with a sexy version of “Ebony and Ivory.”
- Guys, write her a romantic poem: “Through all the things that came to pass / Our love has grown / And so has your ass.” Um, Hallmark cards are also an affordable way to tell her how much you love her.
- Give her a box of chocolates. Tip: if you make it dark chocolate, you can celebrate two Valentine’s Day and Black History Month simultaneously.
- Stop after work and pick up some flowers. Most cemeteries are open until sundown. To save even more money, skip buying a vase and have lady hold legs in air and insert flowers directly into vagina.
- Duct tape. Because silence is golden. Although showers can be golden, too.
Guys, what animal do you think would look the funniest wearing human pants? I say a fish. Specifically, a catfish.
I wanna train a monkey to ride a dog and dress like a tiny sheriff.
It is a difficult question.
I’m wondering if there are kinds of pants other than human….
WTF! Hahahaha. He be loungin’ all in one leg.
That’s why it’s fucking hilarious.
by JAMES DRAPER
“Reverse racism” is a term I have heard and read quite often recently. It is always used in the context of a minority having/showing racial hatred for whites. It is also fucking retarded.
First of all, isn’t it kinda racist to segregate the hatred from a race by naming it differently than another race? It’s just racism people! Don’t call it something else because some one else is doing it. They have the right to be “just plain racists,” like any stereotypical Southern hillbilly jackass.
Second, the term “reverse racism” is incorrectly defined. I believe “reverse racism” should logically be defined as
“aggressive racial acceptance.” Say a family whose ethnicity differs from yours moves into the neighborhood. You eyeball them as they pull up and start emptying their vehicles. Confidently, you watch from your yard. You shout things like, “We really LIKE your kind around here!” and “Hey! NEIGHBOR!” and “I HOPE to see you around!”
Although, in this case, it would probably work the same as regular racism. The new neighbors would get in their house, lock the doors, and talk about moving away from these crazy, too-friendly crackers.
by ANDREW HICKS
Oh, hey, what’s up, God? [PAUSE] Well, yeah, actually, I was asleep. It’s like three in the morning. [PAUSE] Right, right. Time doesn’t exist for you.
So what’s going on? [PAUSE] Humanity’s getting wicked? Yeah, I agree. You should see what people are wearing down here. [PAUSE]
And you’re going to do something about it? Like, what do you have in mind? [PAUSE] You’re going to drown everybody? You mean, like, drown them in your tender love and mercy so they’ll be drawn to righteousness? [PAUSE]
Oh, you mean drown them in actual water until they’re dead. Old Testament God stuff. Well, see, I don’t know, I think that’s kind of drastic. There’s some good people down here. Like me, you know, and my family. We’re cool. [PAUSE]
Name somebody else? Okay, well… what about Jedidiah? He’s a good man. [PAUSE] Covets his neighbor’s oxen? Hmm, well, you’ve gotta admit, Jedidiah’s neighbor has some pretty nice oxen. You know, as far as oxen go, those are good oxen. [PAUSE] Me? No, not coveting, I’m admiring… yeah, it’s a thin line, I know.
Okay then, what about Tobias? [PAUSE] Tobias is a sodomizer? Oh, well, actually, some of our wives down here ask us to do that to them. There are a lot of nerve endings and– [PAUSE] Oh, not with women? With some guy named Jamal?
Alright, so what do you want me to do then? [PAUSE] Build a boat? [PAUSE] Big enough to hold two of every species of animal? That’s gonna take forever to build. [PAUSE] A hundred years? Holy cow, that’s a long time. [PAUSE] Right, holy TWO cows. That’s a funny one. You’re a funny guy.
I’m gonna have to get back to sleep now. I have a hundred-year building project to start in the morning. [PAUSE] I love you, too.
Superbowl XLV won by the Greenbay Packers
The Packers hold their lead overall to pull off the win. The Steelers might have had more of a chance, but QB Ben Roethlisberger RAPED what should have been a good pass early in the first quarter. Later in the game he took a misstep and RAPED his own knee. Overall, he managed to RAPE his entire team and led them to a loss.
Lindsay Lohan to be charged with felony grand theft of necklace, and Tanning salon sues Lindsay Lohan for $41K unpaid bill
Can’t she just snort herself into a Hendrix-style death so we don’t have to hear about this shit anymore?
Christina Aguilera Gets Another Chance to Recover from Super Fumble
She screwed up the words to the National Anthem. I’m game to give her another chance, so long as Fergie doesn’t get a second chance as well.
Assange Probe Hits Snag
Investigators have run into a wall trying to tie Assange to the initial leak of information. I’m sure if they asked nicely Assange could provide documents outing himself.
Russia’s Top Terrorist Promises More Bombs for Moscow
That dude better watch his ass, I hear in Mother Russia Moscow Bombs You.
The Band LCD Soundsystem Announce Farewell NYC Show
by ANDREW KING
Writer’s block. It happens to everyone. I’m experiencing it right now. Mine is a combination of indecisiveness and lack of motivation. I can’t decide what to write about: the legendary comedy boom of the ’80s, hecklers, alt comedy, idols, maybe a personal story or two… I don’t know. Can’t decide.
I have screenplays that need work, stand up material that needs to be refined, hundreds of recordings that I can salvage a few good ideas from, and, worst of all, an abundance of free time, but I just can’t do it. I don’t think it’s laziness or procrastination, though I am a master of both. It has to be something else… but what?
It might be that I can usually rationalize the wasting of time.
When it comes to screenplays, I tell myself, “Well, I have one finished and a couple others are mostly done. That’s enough considering where I am.”
The hundreds of recordings are a little intimidating to go through. I have over 500 recordings collecting virtual dust in my computer. They contain stand-up premises, story ideas, daily memos, tag lines, rants, and it’s just a mess. I tell myself, “I’ll get more serious when I’m closer to leaving, I’m not getting out of here for at least another year, what’s the point?” Which is terrible. All I’m doing is hurting my development as a comedian by doing that.
On the other side of that, however, is, Okay, what if I did go through those recordings? What if I went through them? I probably have a good 10 minutes buried in those archives. Even if I found it all and worked it all out I’d have a hell of a time trying to find a place to test it. You can’t count on the reactions of bars and coffee house open mics, and since comedians are constantly writing new material, that newer material is going to take priority over older, unfinished ideas when you go to a comedy open mic.
by J. MIZ
A few weeks back, I had a random chick friend me on Facebook. I don’t know her but probably should. We grew up in the same area and must have traveled in similar social circles. I am basically a Facebook whore now, in order to generate some readers for my blogging ventures. I barely look at my news feed and rarely look at a “friend’s” wall unless I’m on some type of stealth-like stalking mission. However, her updates, activities and likes are so dull I question if she’s truly human or not. Seriously, that kid Kip Drordy, from South Park, who had one friend… this chick makes him look like that Dos Equis Guy. Allow me to provide some examples:
- I hear my hometown is about to get a big snow storm.
- I’m at the movies right now.
- I am watching Spartacus: Gods of the Arena.
- I am watching Face/Off. (Wait, did I hit some Facebook time travel wormhole?!?!)
- I am watching Top Chef All-Stars.
- ~ Likes SIRIUS XM Radio. (Do ya? Do ya like it? Do ya?)
- I am watching The Social Network. (And OBVIOUSLY living the fucking dream, lady!)
The only reason her friendship is secured with me on Facebook is she has family members that are NOTORIOUS gang bangers back home, and she keeps “LEVELING UP” on Mafia Wars.
NOT IN FRONT OF THE KIDS
Our Weekly Family-Friendly Sunday Segment
by CHANELL B.
Piper is my 6-year-old daughter. She has a wild imagination and often says many funny things unintentionally. The results are what you see below:
PIPER: Mommy, does this hotel have the food delivered to our room?
MOMMY: No, I don’t think so.
PIPER: Awww, I wish it did, ’cause I like servants!
PIPER: Why can’t Squidward (from Sponge Bob) just do a little love and stop bein’ mean all the time?
PIPER: There’s gonna be GALLONS of zombies at the zombie walk, isn’t there mommy?
PIPER: Look, mommy! Its a HERD of birds!!!
PIPER: Mommy, you have to lick it, and THEN you can stick it. You have to lick it before you stick it. Lick. Stick. Lick. Stick. Licksticklicksticklstlstlstlstlsticklstlstlickllllllll!!!
- Snakes have two dicks.
- Strawberries are not berries.
- Sahara Desert is Desert Desert.
- The earth has more than two moons.
- We have between 16 and 21 senses, not only five.
- The egg came before the chicken.
- “Gorange” rhymes with “orange.”
- “Gorange” is an actual word.
- Napoleon was above-average height.
- Stalin was 5’5.
- Hitler wasn’t a vegetarian.
- The moon isn’t made out of cheese.
- Rome wasn’t built in a day, but part of it was.
by ANDREW HICKS
While on the phone with my dad the other night, we were talking about comedy and my history with comedy, and he asked me, “Well, what are some of the early types of humor you liked that still stick with you?” I was a little tired, a little brain dead, and my immediate answer was, “Uh… as a kid until now, I’ve always enjoyed silly stuff. But not all silly stuff. Some of it’s stupid silly, some of it’s intellectual silly, and there’s good and bad examples of each, which kinda makes it all more silly.”
I stopped right there, as I was making not a single lick of rational sense, but my dad’s question led me to think a little bit about which forms and methods of comedy I appreciated early on and still carry with me. So I wrote this:
5 COMEDY TECHNIQUES
THAT HAVE STUCK WITH ME
At the age of 11, after seeing the 1989 Tim Burton movie, I became obsessed with all things Batman. The ’60s TV show, in particular. I took it rather seriously at first, but as I grew into my sense of humor throughout adolescence, I started to appreciate the deadpan genius of Adam West and a few of the veteran character actors on the show.
Neil Hamilton, who played Commissioner Gordon, was a master of finding the super-serious side of funny in the often-outlandish dialogue he was given and performances he was surrounded by. The man was a brilliant straight man, whether he realized it or not. The style and rhythm of his dialogue delivery influence me to this day.
Also, I fell hard for Airplane! at an impressionable age. I loved the combination of obvious, elementary-level jokes and straight-faced performances of Leslie Nielson, Peter Graves and Robert Stack. I recently learned that the studio balked at the casting of dramatic actors in those parts and wanted Chevy Chase, Dom Deluise and Bill Murray instead. Which would not have been nearly as sublimely silly.
Fellow Grocery Store Patrons,
If I have the happy and fortunate position to precede you in line, MY groceries go first, then yours. When I put the plastic divider down, that is your ‘green light’ to unload away, not before. I should not have to stack my bread on top of itself because you’re driven by some unknown urge to unload your cart as soon as possible. Thank you for your cooperation.
Dear Old Rude Ass Jackass Man At The Grocery Store,
Clearly my previous post regarding grocery store etiquette did not reach you. Probably this has something to do with you not having a Facebook account, or probably even owning a computer.
As previously mentioned, however, MY groceries go first, then yours. Today I even offered for you to go in front of me since you were obviously in a hurry to get through the check out line. And what did you do? You refused, explaining that the cashier was fast and it wouldn’t be necessary. So I said, “yes, she is, but I’m eight months pregnant and not fast.” To which you replied, “Oh, well would you like me to help you unload?” and proceeded to touch my groceries prior to receiving an answer from me! So I hurriedly responded, “No, that’s ok.” But what I was really thinking was, “No. I dont want help unloading. I want you to go in front of me so I don’t have to feel rushed to unload my groceries as I hold my breath bending over the side of my cart with a huge pregnant belly. I want you to get your shopping done without any further interaction with you. And I want you to get your fucking hands off my bread! And really, truly, more than anything, I want to get out of this store with my groceries without getting further harassed, creating a scene, or getting arrested for elder abuse.”
by Buddah Eskew
I am not very good with women. Even when I undress a woman with my eyes I still have trouble getting the bra unhooked. Although, several women have told me I have a face for porn… but a penis for radio. THANKS ladies.
Some people call me Maurice, even though I specifically told them to call me the gangster of love! A special thanks to Steve Miller for that line. I tried to be all gangster with the chicks but they preferred to call me Gangster-Amish. Buddah, you have no electricity or indoor plumbing. Yeah that is true but my horse has a gold tooth and my buggy has chrome spinner wheels. That’s just how I roll, ladies. I was confused by the whole Gangster-Amish thing. I never knew from day to day if I should wear overalls or baggy pants, straw hat or dew rag, pitch fork or switch blade.
I even stooped as low as date rape a few times, but all that happened is I passed out and women just walked right by me, kind of like when I’m awake. Could one of you girls at least grind a stiletto heel into my back when you step over me? I gotta re-read the instructions on this pill bottle.
When did I get old? It’s feels like it was just yesterday and I was making a complete fool of myself in a junior high talent show…
There I was, little four-foot-six me, with a girl to my right who looked like she had gotten hit in the face with an iron, and the 50-foot woman from outer space to my left (she was six foot in junior high, and just as wide).
The routine we had “practiced” had them snapping their fingers and tapping their feet, nothing else, not even back up vocals, just moving. Meanwhile, I was singing, with no mic, a song that had been written by my mother.
Yeah, lets just say it was awesome! …well, if “awesome” actually means Totally Embarrassing, Everyone Will Laugh At You, And You Just Got A Nickname You Aren’t Ever Going Like, then yes, it was awesome. I think we got applause out of pity.