by JUSTIN OLOMON
edited by ANDREW J HICKS
I keep seeing other people’s posts about online dating, so I’m gonna go check out one of these matchmaking sites and see what kind of girls I can find.
*starts scrolling through profiles*
Okay, 25? Looks 50. Next!
Favorite book is Twilight. Next!
Favorite TV show is “Jersey Shore.” Next!
Single mother. Next!
Part of the 99%. Next!
Tea Partier. Next!
Too chubby. Next!
Too skinny. Next!
From Pekin, Ill. Next!
I (HEART) BIEBER! Next!
Looking for a tough man. Next!
Makes less than $20,000 a year. Next!
Luvs to paaartay hard in the name of Cthullu! Not sure what that means. Next!
Missing a limb or two. Next!
Has an extra limb or two. Next!
Thinks Steve Jobs was a messiah. Next!
Has developed a coke addiction and won’t share. Next!
Gets uptight when I make a joke about a stereotype, then asks me to run the light if a black guy walks by the car. Next!
Is into threesomes but only with another guy. Next!
Doesn’t like Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Next!
Knows what a Juggalo is. Next!
Carries around one of those little dogs in her purse and pretends it talks in conversations. Next!
Refuses to cook. Next!
Well I guess that just leaves this last girl. She seems normal enough… Kinda cute. I’m gonna go check out some more pictures… WAIT, SHE HAS A PENIS! Damn. Oh well, beggars can’t be choosers.
[NARRATOR: And just like that, another match is made at PlentyOfFish.com. Plenty of Fish -- matching picky guys and chicks with dicks since 2009.]