by ANDREW HICKS and J.MIZ
ANDREW: In 1998, I made a bet with a friend that Heavy D and Sinbad were the same person. If Sinbad shows up at Heavy D’s funeral, I’m screwed.
J.MIZ: Today is Sinbad’s birthday. Irony? Or IS IT?! HES BACK, YO! And, as for determining the winner of said bet, I’m gonna go with marijuana winning that one.
ANDREW: It’d be cool if half of Heavy D could reincarnate into half of Sinbad. Imagine all those marginally funny jokes contained in all those marginally appealing rap songs.
J.MIZ: Or if they were both in the same body and had a predeliction for punching the opposing side. I’d pay top fucking dollar to see that slugfest.
ANDREW: I picture C+C Music Factory‘s Freedom Williams showing up to referee that event.
J.MIZ: Yeah! Or the fat dude from X Clan. And I’m pretty sure E-40 is the guy from P.M. Dawn.
ANDREW: I’m pretty sure Ray J is the other guy from P.M. Dawn. Which means Kim Kardashian fucked at least half of P.M. Dawn.
J.MIZ: Isnt Kardashian that Susanna chick from The Bangles with butt implants?
ANDREW: That really butch Bangle is Uncle Kracker.
J.MIZ: But didn’t Uncle Kracker turn into Bubba Sparxxx just before becoming Paul Wall? I’m pretty sure…
ANDREW: She was definitely the busiest Bangle.
J.MIZ: Vinny from Naughty by Nature is pretty much Mike Tyson after a shrink ray. Or before ‘roids.
ANDREW: Vinny does look a lot like the 8-bit Tyson from the old Punch-Out game. Speaking of, King Hippo from Punch-Out is Fat Joe.
J.MIZ: I still think that God created Skeet Ulrich from Johnny Depp‘s rib. Cast them together or I’m sticking with that theory, Hollywood.
ANDREW: Depp needed a helpmate for when he was offered movie roles he didn’t really want but still couldn’t turn down.
J.MIZ: And I always thought that juicer guy Jack Lalanne was Pappy from the Robin Williams Popeye movie. Jack and Pappy both are pretty vested in spinach.
ANDREW: At Heavy D’s funeral, it’s gonna go down like:
MC LYTE: Anyone seen Cheryl “Salt” James? I wanna say hi before I leave.
SHOCK G: Nah, we ain’t seen ‘er.
MC LYTE: Ah well, I guess I’ll be going then.
[MC Lyte leaves. Fifteen seconds pass. Cheryl "Salt" James enters.]
SALT: Anyone seen MC Lyte?
SHOCK G: She JUST left.
SALT: Damn, that’s always the way it goes. [Gives knowing wink to non-existent camera.] Is Sinbad here?
SHOCK G: Nah, I ain’t seen him. I’m outta here.
[Shock G leaves. Fifteen seconds pass. Humpty Hump enters.]
HUMPTY HUMP: What’s up y’all! Anyone seen Shock G?
J.MIZ: Holy fuck! IS LIL WAYNE REALLY FLAVA FLAV?!
ANDREW: To this day, I’m the only person that realizes Ron Artest was in Kris Kross.
J.MIZ: Ron Artest’s therapist doesn’t care about basketball.
ANDREW: The 1979 Detroit Pistons consisted primarily of members of K.C. and The Sunshine Band.
J.MIZ: I always side-glanced Jimmy Carter and Orville Redenbacher. Peanuts… popcorn… same diff.
ANDREW: Bell Biv Devoe used to steal Musical Youth‘s lunch money. And Shai got arrested for it.
J.MIZ: And Condi Rice was sexually harrassed by Marion Barry. And it’s not that whole racist They All Look Alike theory. They’re the same fucking person! FUCK YOU, ANITA HILL! I’M NOT BUYING YOUR BULLSHIT THIS TIME, YOU STATUS CLIMBER!
ANDREW: Edie Brickell lost her virginity to Rick Astley. Their offspring still wanders the earth.
J.MIZ: Maybe it all just comes down to Walt Disney, Joe Jackson, L.A. Reid, Quincy Jones, Max Martin, Maurice Starr and Jermaine Dupri manufacturing all the artists of the pop age. Somebody needs to invent some hi-tech glasses like Roddy Piper wore in They Live. Then we could look through them at all these pop stars and realize that the entire last 30 years has been a well-orchestrated ruse spearheaded by “Weird Al” Yankovic and M.C. Hammer. You know, cuz they’re actually The Unabomber and Kirk Franklin. Explosives and Christ will always get the upper hand. ALWAYS.