by ANDREW J HICKS and ERTEL GRAY
The first Thanksgiving took place 490 years ago. Miles Standish deep fried a turkey, Pocahontas brought over a crapload of Boone’s Farm, and Squanto provided the blunts. Everyone ate, drank, smoked and listened to the music of the Thompson Twins*. Thus, a tradition was born.
The ins and outs of Thanksgiving remained relatively unchanged until 1887, when canned fruits and meats were introduced to the market. Suddenly, Thanksgiving was a time for turkey, Boone’s Farm, blunts and a bowl of jellied cranberry sauce, wiggling and still in the shape of the can. In the century-plus since, no one has ever actually eaten the cranberry sauce. It just sits there. It’s the Ringo Starr of the Turkey Day feast.
The next big change to Thanksgiving occurred in 1946 with the introduction of the TV dinner. You could have Thanksgiving dinner every night of the year, after waiting a mere 75 minutes for your sectioned-off silver platter to bake in the oven.
The portions were small, true, and the turkey was Turkey Loaf**, but this was a meal you could huddle over while watching “The Wayans Grandparents” on the DuMont Network. The TV dinner/Turkey Loaf**/DuMont sitcom combination led to record horniness among the American citizenry. The baby boom began almost immediately.
Now, in 2011, Thanksgiving reinvents itself yet again. Our annual celebration can finally include a perfunctory airing of the CBS special “A Very Gaga Thanksgiving.” We can’t wait to watch it. Our hearts brim with speculation. Will Lady Gaga be wearing the turkey? Or will she just have a shit-ton of stuffing in her Lil’ Gaga?
SAMPLE SCENE FROM “A VERY GAGA THANKSGIVING”
WOWED DINNER GUEST: Oh man, I am going “gaga” over this stuffing, Miss Gaga. What’s your secret?
GAGA: Oh, you know, bread, onions, the usual, just all crammed into my vagina.
We intended for this piece to have more Thanksgiving jokes, but we put it together at the last minute. As you well know, a good Thanksgiving joke needs at least three days to thaw in advance of use.
*Twin brothers Jeff and Chris Thompson are widely acknowledged, historically, as being America’s premiere 17th Century ambient-baroque folk duo.
**Turkey Loaf is a registered trademark of Turkey Loaf: The Meat Loaf Impersonation Experience Productions, LLC.
ADDITIONAL CONTRIBUTORS: Probably Matt Linville, Eric Dohman