edited by ANDREW HICKS
- Until they tell me otherwise, I will assume that all squirrels are named Chippy.
- I recently started putting baking soda in my cat’s litterbox. But honestly I’m disappointed in the efficacy. He has not made ANY crack.
- If I had a dollar for every time I drunkenly drove to some guy’s for a booty call, I’d be able to pay for all these DUIs.
- If I had a dollar for every time I said, “If I had a dollar…” I’d say nothing but THAT.
- I heard some guy call himself a “recovering alcoholic.” I thought that was a pretty fancy name for what I always called “Sunday.”
- When I get a new haircut, I need to fuck something. That’s just the way it is.
- As I walk to work on this windy Chicago day, I have newfound respect for the salmon.
- Whenever my black friends quote anything, I always incorrectly assume it’s from “The Color Purple,” the Bible or T.I.
- The morning of my pap smear I have a mental debate: Shave or not? On the one hand, I don’t want him to think I’m unkempt. On the other hand, I don’t want him to think it’s a special occasion.
- I’m SO dedicated to being a cougar, I just got my Early Childhood Education certificate. Or, as I like to call it: Love’s Little 401k Plan.
- If I knew back then what I know now, I’d remember what my point was. #PearlsOfWisdom
- Spraying air freshener in your bathroom is a feeble lie of sorts. Everyone knows, a) you just shit, and b) shit DOES NOT smell like “Ocean Breeze.”
- Having my period is the most inconvenient thing about being a woman. But not having it sucks worse for the first guy I know with $500.
- Most people look forward to sex. I like looking behind me.
- I wonder, when cavemen sat around getting drunk together, did they have that one buddy who’d always manage to steal everybody’s torch?
- Even though I may smile a lot, my butt is small. This means you can trust me. #bellbivdevoe #nowyaknow
- When I dance, I like to remind people that they “don’t know nothin’ about THIS!”
- I’ve slept with black men in the past. I know some people would take issue with that. And I know none of them would be those black men.
- It’s ironic and sad that adopting my cat is the first and probably last long-term commitment I’ll ever make.
- I drank so much coffee today, at one point, I’m pretty sure I was see-through.
- Before I die, I want to EXPERIENCE — not just SEE — a fistfight between conjoined twins. #BucketList
- I have never faked an orgasm, but I HAVE perfected a super-porny laugh.
- I know all women must fear the inevitable “smell of the old lady vagina,” so why aren’t we talking about it or, even better, CURING it?!
- A guy once asked me to call him “daddy” in bed. Weirdest.Father’s.Day.EVER.