edited by ANDREW HICKS
- Until they tell me otherwise, I will assume that all squirrels are named Chippy.
- I recently started putting baking soda in my cat’s litterbox. But honestly I’m disappointed in the efficacy. He has not made ANY crack.
- If I had a dollar for every time I drunkenly drove to some guy’s for a booty call, I’d be able to pay for all these DUIs.
- If I had a dollar for every time I said, “If I had a dollar…” I’d say nothing but THAT.
- I heard some guy call himself a “recovering alcoholic.” I thought that was a pretty fancy name for what I always called “Sunday.”
- When I get a new haircut, I need to fuck something. That’s just the way it is.
- As I walk to work on this windy Chicago day, I have newfound respect for the salmon.
- Whenever my black friends quote anything, I always incorrectly assume it’s from “The Color Purple,” the Bible or T.I.
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