by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS
1961 – Petula Clark has her first #1 single in Britain. The same day, 32 British mothers name their newborn babies Petula. Not a one of those 32 British broads grows up happy to be named Petula.
1965 – First day of filming on The Beatles‘ second movie, with the working title Eight Arms to Hold You. The young son of a Japanese gaffer on set is so inspired by the title that he begins an obsession culminating decades later with the birth of tentacle hentai.
1971 – George Harrison is fined and banned from driving for a year. What is he being fined? Probably for handing out flowers at the airport. My Sweet Lord.
In 1977, members of The Eagles, Fleetwood Mac and The Bee Gees have a three-day drunken, drugged-out orgy, after which they all make a pact to never talk about it. In 1978, when all three acts win Grammies and make acceptance speeches, they prove what liars they are.
1978 – David Coverdale’s Whitesnake makes its concert debut at the Sky Bird Club in England. Funny that Coverdale named his band “Whitesnake” after his own penis. Equally funny that every male WNF writer named his penis “Sky Bird Club.”
1978 – Sex Pistols front man Sid Vicious is arrested in New York for possession of drugs. Sid’s mother is shocked. She’s the only one.
1979 – Dire Straits play their first American show in Boston. (Unfortunately, the Celtics beat them 104-12.) The concert is cut short so they can make a couple quick bucks helping some guy in the front row move some refrigerators, and also, some color TVs.
1985 – Stevie Wonder is arrested during an anti-apartheid demonstration outside the South African Embassy in Washington. Just before the cuffs go on, Stevie is thinking to himself that McDonald’s seems awfully busy for a Saturday morning. Wonder is released after questioning by police (“Mr. Wonder, can you tell us what you saw here today?”).
1985 – The Smiths are #1 on British album charts with Meat Is Murder (But Bacon Is Goddamn Beautiful).
1988 – Michael Jackson kicks off the second leg of his Bad World Tour, which is also the debut of his problematic third leg (“allegedly”).
1989 – Isaac Hayes is jailed by an Atlanta judge for owing almost $350,000 in child support and alimony. The judge remarks that Isaac is a guilty mother–SHUT YO MOUTH!
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