edited by ANDREW HICKS
- Integrity is SO important to me, I refuse to make exceptions. Well, I make an exception for one thing and one thing only: double standards.
- As I am reconnecting with my Catholic roots, I won’t be dressed as a typical slut for Halloween. Instead, I’m going as an altar boy.
- Creative people with high IQs are often told that they’re insane and need meds. I think we just need better doctors.
- Even as a young girl, I knew I could do WHATEVER I put my mouth to.
- I think the kids on the short bus had it all figured out. I bet THEY never had to write a term paper on The Taming of the Shrew.
- It’s totally bonkers when I’m out with my boyfriend, and I decide to duck into a bathroom and have spontaneous sex, and then he walks in on it.
- Jesus loves you more when you keep it real.
- I hate men who play games. Except for Billy Mitchell. I fucking LOVE him!
- The bathroom in this Argentinian grill is so dark, I’m not sure if I sat on a toilet or a glory hole.
- My dentist told me I wasn’t flossing enough, so I bought dubs. He thought I was retarded! But it turns out I’m racist. Because he’s black.
- J.Miz doesn’t care about bitch-ass people.
- Jesus made me miss the early train today so I could ride the one with the HOT-ASS conductor. #WearingSkirtOnTheVibratingMetraRailFTW #Ahhhhhhhhhhh
- Though life is full of scary people, I do not fear necrophiliacs.
- Dear Suburbs: Yeah. We’re done. kthxbai
- I was just given the day off at the last minute. My afternoon will now be filled with naps and grilled cheeses. Oh yes, my friends. o.h.y.e.s.
- My comforter brings all the kittehs to the bed. And they’re like, “It’s betta than yours!”
- Watched a YouTube video posted by user “golum0734.” I bet THAT guy gets SHIT-TONS of pussy.
- I prefer that my sleep be man-made.
- It seems like the day after I have sex, I’m COVERED in bruises. But I think my boyfriend said it best: “Well then stop fighting back, bitch!”
- In which religious text and on what day did God say, “Let there be religion”? And was that before or after the dinosaurs were on the ark?
- Here’s a bit of an unknown fact: cats.love.ham. And BOY do they HATE rape!
- I wish anxiety would manifest in ways other than panic attacks. For instance, an urge to start a freestyle rap battle. That way you’d stave off the attack AND get mad street cred.
- You’re NEVER too old for sprinkles.
- Dear Coworker With The Shit Attitude, Like You Hate Your Job: I know about a dozen-plus people who would love ANY JOB! Maybe our boss keeps me working a lot a shifts because I’m a pleasant person who contributes, smiles and acts as if I’m not a miserable fuck. He tells me when to come here, and I come. You’re the ONLY reason your shifts are cut or you get stuck on bitch duty. Buck up, man. You’re only fucking yourself. KTHXBAI
EDITOR’S NOTE: J.Miz has been with WNF since Day One, and we think she’s damn hilarious. Do yourself a favor and follow @JMiz8 on Twitter. -AH