by ANDREW HICKS and BUDDAH ESKEW
edited by ANDREW HICKS
Every U.S. president (Not pictured: The black guy)
George W. Bush — Just kidding.
Gerald Ford — You’ve gotta love the fact that this guy never got elected, which means he didn’t have to make promises to voters, corporations or party allies, and he still pissed off a ton of people with all the shit he didn’t get done.
John F. Kennedy — There are five main reasons we love JFK: because he banged Marilyn Monroe, because he banged Marilyn Monroe, because he banged Marilyn Monroe, because he banged Marilyn Monroe and because he banged Marilyn Monroe.
William Henry Harrison — Due to the fact that he caught pneumonia at his own inauguration and died a month later, Harrison will forever be known to history as Funniest President Ever. What a joker!
Andrew Jackson — Twenty dolla bill, y’all!
Abraham Lincoln — Freed the slaves so that we may enjoy what is known today as the NBA. Also, Abraham Lincoln was a good old man / He hopped out the window with his dick in his hand / He said, “Excuse me ladies, I’m doin my duty / So pull down your pants, and give me some booty.”*
James Madison — Enforced something called the Non-Intercourse Act, which sounds like a law we would absolutely hate, but Madison’s wife Dolly could make some wicked snack cakes. Bonus!
Richard Nixon — Promptly at 4 pm every day, Nixon had a dainty tea party on the White House lawn with the voices in his head. We like tea, and we LOVE schizophrenics!
Ronald Reagan — His presidential accomplishments sometimes overshadow his body of acting work, but allow us to say: Reagan’s performance in the 1991 surfer crime caper Point Break was a trickle-down of pure brilliance. He shot Keanu Reeves, for chrissakes! And, if you pay close attention, you can spot Reagan in the original Contra game for the NES.
Franklin Roosevelt — In 1932, after a particularly shitty hand in a poker game, FDR jokingly requested a “new deal.” The rest is history.
Teddy Roosevelt — Had a vision of passing a law that would make it punishable by firing squad for any man to walk into a Starbucks and order a Soy Mocha Coconut Frappuccino® Light with non-fat cream and cinnamon sprinkles. You get coffee and bacon, dammit!
William Howard Taft — This dude was like all Three Stooges rolled into one. Lay off the pork rinds, fatty!
Martin Van Buren — Our eighth president only served one term, but sources say he was hung like a Clydesdale.
*Reference 2 Live Crew‘s “Nursery Rhymes”
ADDITIONAL CONTRIBUTORS: Jeff Bailey, Ertel Gray and Woo