November 1, 2011
edited by ANDREW HICKS
Being fat on Halloween is an extra-special thing.
- For Halloween, I’m going as a shy, conservative, demure, celibate lady. Now THAT’S a fucking costume!
- Handing out “treats.” My Halloween costume is “The Bad Influence.” I’m giving the kids cigarettes, airplane bottles of booze, and HPV.
- The Jack-O-Lantern started with turnips. Suck on that, Hallmark! I want a damn Turnip-O-Lantern.
- Why do fat women always look so angry? I’d be ECSTATIC if I got to eat that much delicious shit!
- An 80-year-old woman asked me, “How has such a pretty girl like you never been married?” My reply, “Guys only like to FUCK crazy girls, Gramma!”
- If you discover a shortcut and it then replaces your regular route, it’s no longer a shortcut.
- Whenever I masturbate, I have this EXTREMELY detailed fantasy about having sex.
June 22, 2011
edited by ANDREW HICKS
- A wolf in sheep’s clothing should not be feared. Rather, it should be revered as nature’s most fabulous tranny.
- Every cloud has a silver lining that will turn your neck green.
- It’s only after walking a mile in another man’s shoes that you can truly realize, that guy’s a prick!
- Two in the bush is worth one in the stink.
- There’s more than one way to skin a cat, but most are illegal except in the Appalachians.
- It takes a village to run a brothel.
- When you wish upon a star, God kills a kitten somewhere in Iowa.
- The straw that broke the camel’s back was a fat woman named Enid from Queens.
- “It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean,” is a stone cold lie.
- Music calms the glowsticked raver.
- The family that prays together is not that different from Jonestown.
- Man cannot live on meth alone.
- “See no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil,” is why good hookers are expensive.
- Tomorrow is a new day for life to kick you square in the dick.
- Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course you’re a cannibal.
- The first step is admitting that you’re powerless over assholes and need to find new friends.
- If at first you don’t succeed, try roofies and KY.
- Time waits for no man, and sadly some men don’t wait for you to cum.
- Certainty? In this world, nothing is certain but HPV and porn.
- Putting all your eggs in one basket is basically what goes on with Mormons and the British monarchy.
- All that glitters can be found in Lil Wayne’s closet.
- Spare the rod and spoil the woman, because dildos are so much better.
- Don’t count your chickens before you make an omelette.
- Where two or more are gathered in my name, that is a J.Miz fan club.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Read the original “Pearls of Wisdom from J.Miz” here.