We're Not Funny

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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  This season's trendy sheep costume for wolves includes fully functioning facial features and 400-threadcount Egyptian cotton.

  When life gives you lemons, rub one out and take a nap.

• A wolf in sheep’s clothing should not be feared. Rather, it should be revered as nature’s most fabulous tranny.

• Every cloud has a silver lining that will turn your neck green.

• It’s only after walking a mile in another man’s shoes that you can truly realize, that guy’s a prick!

• Two in the bush is worth one in the stink.

• There’s more than one way to skin a cat, but most are illegal except in the Appalachians.

• It takes a village to run a brothel.

• When you wish upon a star, God kills a kitten somewhere in Iowa.

• The straw that broke the camel’s back was a fat woman named Enid from Queens.

• “It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean,” is a stone cold lie.

• Music calms the glowsticked raver.

• The family that prays together is not that different from Jonestown.

• Man cannot live on meth alone.

• “See no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil,” is why good hookers are expensive.

• Tomorrow is a new day for life to kick you square in the dick.

• Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course you’re a cannibal.

• The first step is admitting that you’re powerless over assholes and need to find new friends.

• If at first you don’t succeed, try roofies and KY.

• Time waits for no man, and sadly some men don’t wait for you to cum.

• Certainty? In this world, nothing is certain but HPV and porn.

• Putting all your eggs in one basket is basically what goes on with Mormons and the British monarchy.

• All that glitters can be found in Lil Wayne’s closet.

• Love thy brother as thyself. Dutch Rudders do not make you gay.

• Spare the rod and spoil the woman, because dildos are so much better.

• Don’t count your chickens before you make an omelette.

• Where two or more are gathered in my name, that is a J.Miz fan club.

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Read the original “Pearls of Wisdom from J.Miz” here.