by ANDREW HICKS and WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS
Paul Revere was the only Founding Father who had his own genie.
1773 – During a fierce intercontinental orgy, Paul Revere first shouts his signature phrase, “The British are coming!”
1776 – Signing day for the Declaration of Independence, and no one brings a pen. An enterprising Edward Papermate sells his first 12 pack of crappy disposables.
1792 – After years of horrible dry-mouthed hangovers, Eli Whitney scraps his original “cotton gin” project.
1812 – Some war is fought that future generations won’t know shit about.
1833 – At Strom Thurmond‘s Super Sweet 16 party, Strom yells at his dad for getting him a Mexican slave as a birthday gift. (“But Dad! I said I wanted a black one! You’re ruining my life! This birthday sucks! I HATE YOU!”)
1863 – One hour after awakening from a wicked bender, Abraham Lincoln is heard to scream, “I freed WHO?!”
1865 – Despite a very promising horoscope, Robert E. Lee realizes today is NOT going to be a good day.
1906 – Orville and Wilbur Wright each eat five grams of psilocybin mushrooms and REALLY fly.
1929 – America is plunged into a Great Depression. For a decade, America lies on the couch in sweatpants all day and night, with curtains drawn, getting no enjoyment from everyday activity.
1938 – The automobile is given a back seat, leading to a population explosion.
1963 – Ralph Kramden is arrested for domestic violence after finally sending Alice to the moon.
1969 – While walking on the moon, Neil Armstrong retrieves a dazed Alice and brings her back to Earth.
1981 – Wham! is formed, and American/British relations become very gay.
1984 – Nancy Reagan tells America’s youth to “just say no” to drugs, while Ronald Reagan orders the CIA to infiltrate the nation’s ghettos with a shit-ton of crack cocaine.
1985 – No cure for Parkinson’s disease is found.
1989 – Release of comedy classic Look Who’s Talking. We just love that movie. It’s Bruce Willis doing the voice over for a baby — come on, what’s not to love?
1995 – Monica Lewinsky gets private lessons on how to smoke a cigar. With her vagina.
2001 – Michael J. Fox takes the Delorean back to 1985 to find a cure for Parkinson’s disease.
2009 – The socially disturbing documentary Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia is released. Virginia, which politely asked West Virginia to leave 150 years ago, now files for a legal separation.
2011 – Comedy website We’re Not Funny celebrates its 200th post on July 5.
CONTRIBUTORS: Jeff Bailey, Eric Dohman, James Draper, Buddah Eskew, Ryan Krause, Saracakes and Lola Tucker