December 28, 2011
by LOLA TUCKER
edited by ANDREW J HICKS
According to Lola Tucker, a little plastic surgery isn't a bad thing. (NOT PICTURED: Lola Tucker, a little plastic surgery.)
Recently, while out and about, I heard a lady mention that she’d had liposuction on her waist and hips. I was surprised. She had always been a very attractive woman with a knockout figure.
Now, I should point out, I’m not anti-cosmetic surgery by nature. Of course, I don’t like people who take it so far that they begin to look like a Madam Tussauds Wax Museum figure, with skin so tight their eyebrows are hidden in their hairline. But a little plastic surgery here and there is cool.
I wouldn’t mind a little Restalyn or perhaps some Juvaderm. My upper lip is starting to resemble that of a woman who has been smoking for 30 years. I’ve never even picked up a cigarette.
I had breast reduction surgery. To this day, I can say without hesitation it was the best decision I ever made. And not just because I was worried about my back failing under the weight of my 38DDs. I reduced my boobs purely for vanity’s sake. Let’s face it, there is absolutely nothing attractive about a rack that enters a room several seconds before the rest of this 5’3″ frame strolls in. After my surgery, men started to look me in the eye.
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January 23, 2011
by J. Miz
My best friend has been obsessed with having sex with a male midget human since she heard their “junk” is “normal” sized. It isn’t enough for her to have a Mardi Gras style flashing situation, the little dude HAS to enter her. Who am I to judge, I’ve fucked an amputee for the hash mark. The whole concept – when revealed – threw me into a tizzy of hopes and planning:
“So do you want him be all missionary so you can see if you can spin him like a top, ala Tucker Max?!?”
“You know it’d be like an instant boob job as soon as he touched your titties. Your tits would look HUGE.”
“In fact, I’d have him rub on my butt so I could feel like J-LO… badonkadonk!”
“Are midgets really small or are they just far away?”
“Objects in mirror aren’t smaller than they appear… THEY’RE MOTHERFUCKING MIDGETS!”
January 22, 2011
‘American Idol’ gives Fox its best Thursday ratings in 16 years
Fox also received a hand-job from Steven Tyler to score some blow.
Rumour also has it J-Lo and Tyler are hooking up, sources close to the pair indicate Lopez as feeling Steven is the only man alive who could possibly be uglier than Mark Anthony.
Bank of America Posts 4th-Quarter Loss of $1.2 Billion
We’ll have something to say on this subject once we give a fuck!
Husband said to be suing hospital and all Doctors involved, as he now can’t get the bitch to shut-up.
Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords leaves Tucson
Too soon? Too soon.
It’s National Hugging Day
National Hugging Day? Sounds like National Free Pass On Sexual Harassment Day.
December 31, 2010
by ANDREW HICKS and WE’RE NOT FUNNY
Pop a bottle of champagne. Shoot a gun in the air. Enjoy the lousy, unseasonably warm Smarch weather. And look back with us on 2010 in the news, entertainment and sports.
The BP Oil Spill catapulted almost five million barrels of oil into the Persian Gulf. The images were haunting and made us want to drink more black coffee. Since the oil spill, we at WNF stopped meticulously separating our recycling. Everything goes straight into the landfill now. At 162,000 barrels spilled per day, we figured there was no number of empty aluminum cans of Diet Ruby Red Squirt we could recycle to make up for it. It is our policy at WNF, when presented with a seemingly insurmountable challenge, to give up immediately.
The BP oil rig explosion that led to the spill happened on 4/20. It is purely coincidental that WNF senior staff was vacationing in Louisiana at the time and bragging to all our new Creole friends about the “giant underwater bong” we were going to “go put a torch to.”
Republicans took back a number of seats in the midterm elections. Christine O’Donnell insisted she was not a witch. We insisted, “It’d be a lot cooler if you were.”
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