We're Not Funny

by BUDDAH ESKEW
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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[EDITOR'S NOTE: News organizations always have obituary files ready to go for celebrities who are nearing the end of the ride. Buddah wanted everyone at We're Not Funny to put down five bucks or whatever and submit their picks for famous people who wouldn't make it to see 2012. None of the WNF crew turned in a list, because for one, we're above that sort of thing. Secondly, we're too lazy to make lists. The following death picks are for entertainment purposes only. We wish no ill will upon any of the people named below. Except Abe Vigoda. That dude's got it coming to him. -Andrew Hicks]

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2011 CELEBRITY DEATH PICKS

ED ASNER – Even Mary Tyler Moore thinks Mr. Grant has overstayed his welcome.

ERNEST BORGNINE – Actually, I think Ernest died in 1997, but his eyebrows are still alive and well.

JIMMY CARTER – Used to con countries out of American hostages; now often overheard saying, “I will die with hammer in hand before I go rescue any more citizens dumb enough to visit third-world shithole countries.”

DICK CLARK – Everyone used to joke about how Dick was preserved in time and would be an eternal teenager. When’s the last time you heard anyone say that? It’s been a rough road for Dick since his stroke. He’s become very difficult to understand, and Dick refuses to relearn the English language on Rosetta Stone due to the software program’s high cost.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS - Men with wives this hot don’t deserve a long life.

MICHAEL J. FOX – Still young and a bit of a shaky pick. What? Go ahead and hate me, I’m used to it.

ANDY GRIFFITH – Have you seen his new commercials? This guy looks so bad that, if Barney Fife were still alive today, he would put that one bullet he carried around in his pocket right into Andy’s temple just to put him out of his misery.

LIL’ WAYNE — Can you say “fatal gunshot wound”?

PENNY MARSHALL - I met her once at a sportscard convention. She’s more out of shape than Buddha, so she won’t be ticking much longer. And, what, you’re surprised I was at a sportscard convention?

KEITH RICHARDS – It’s just time. For the record, I am a big Stones fan.

JERRY STILLER – SERENITY NOW! Go in piece, Mr. Costanza.

ELIZABETH TAYLOR – Famously said, “A world without Michael Jackson just isn’t worth living in.” I agree, so get out!

ABE VIGODA – This dude is so old that first he started to smell like his Barney Miller character, Fish, and now he smells more like a dead fish.

BETTY WHITE – Let’s hope not, but why not go out on top of your game? When Betty passes, I personally will miss her huge tits.