November 4, 2011
by JUSTIN OLOMON
edited by ANDREW J HICKS
Enjoys inflating heart-shaped balloons a little too much. Next!
I keep seeing other people’s posts about online dating, so I’m gonna go check out one of these matchmaking sites and see what kind of girls I can find.
*starts scrolling through profiles*
Okay, 25? Looks 50. Next!
Favorite book is Twilight. Next!
Favorite TV show is “Jersey Shore.” Next!
Single mother. Next!
Part of the 99%. Next!
Tea Partier. Next!
Too chubby. Next!
Too skinny. Next!
From Pekin, Ill. Next!
I (HEART) BIEBER! Next!
Looking for a tough man. Next!
Makes less than $20,000 a year. Next!
Luvs to paaartay hard in the name of Cthullu! Not sure what that means. Next!
read more »
May 27, 2011
by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS
The Quick Text app is great for sending frequently used phrases like, “Be home soon” and “Call you when I get off work.” But members of our writing staff have complained that Quick Text’s prewritten suggestions don’t suit their specific common texting needs. Now WNF has a plug-in upgrade package that is guaranteed to save you time at least twice per week. -AH
20 New Quick Text Phrases
- Out of crack, please stop.
- You forgot your panties.
- Meet me where we killed that guy.
- Bring your paycheck directly home.
- You are NOT the father.
- I really respect your opinion and independence as a woman.
- Grandma says you used all her lotion again. Call me on Tuesday.
- You were right, I’ve got AIDS.
- Roses are red. Violets are blue. Lemme get that booty call.
- Have you accepted Christ as your personal savior?
- Can’t talk now, I’m watching the Star Wars Holiday Special.
- I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up.
- What a coincidence. Rutherford B. Hayes is MY favorite one-term president too!
- What was your name again?
- Just saw the blackest baby EVER!
- You left the braunschweiger out on the counter again.
- I simply pooped my pants, and he let me off with a warning. I’m telling you, it’s the male equivalent of cleavage.
- I got 5 on it.
- Herpes is the curable one, right?
- Sorry, too busy to waste my time on your skanky ass.
CONTRIBUTORS: J.Miz, James Draper, Andrew Hicks, Justin Olomon, Jeff Bailey, Woo, Angie Rosenberg