edited by ANDREW HICKS
- For Halloween, I’m going as a shy, conservative, demure, celibate lady. Now THAT’S a fucking costume!
- Handing out “treats.” My Halloween costume is “The Bad Influence.” I’m giving the kids cigarettes, airplane bottles of booze, and HPV.
- The Jack-O-Lantern started with turnips. Suck on that, Hallmark! I want a damn Turnip-O-Lantern.
- Why do fat women always look so angry? I’d be ECSTATIC if I got to eat that much delicious shit!
- An 80-year-old woman asked me, “How has such a pretty girl like you never been married?” My reply, “Guys only like to FUCK crazy girls, Gramma!”
- If you discover a shortcut and it then replaces your regular route, it’s no longer a shortcut.
- Whenever I masturbate, I have this EXTREMELY detailed fantasy about having sex.