December 21, 2011
by BRANDON STOKES
edited by ANDREW J HICKS
- Shout-outs to George Jefferson’s wife AND Lil’ Wayne, for having the same voice but being two completely different Weezys.
- Shout-out to that Lil’ Wayne CD you keep stashed, just in case you have to give your black friend a ride home.
- Shout-out to guys who tell chicks they’ll eat their butts in text messages.
- Shout-out to Southpole and FUBU for keeping wiggas PIMPED OUT LIKE A HOMIE G DAWG!
- Shout-out to every time you want to say, “That shit’s racist!” but you’re not quite sure.
- Shout-out to black people who aren’t afraid of eating fried chicken in front of white people.
- Shout-out to everyone that couldn’t find the pussy from doggystyle when they lost their virginity… or was that just me?
- Shout-out to Flavor Flav for getting famous with Public Enemy instead of just being that one stupid nigga from the news.
- Shout-out to YouTube for letting the closet racists vent.
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September 24, 2011
by ANNE GARDNER
edited by CHRISTOPHER WOO
- Memorise a list of names of both scientists and philosophers and spout them off, attributing ideas and theories to them at random. Don’t forget to memorise the names of their writings and works, too. Throw in a spiritualist or two, here and there, for good measure.
- Never admit that you’re wrong. Remember, all research and knowledge has been completed and discovered on any given subject you’ve troubled yourself to study. There will never be anything else to say on the subject. New and unique ideas are absurd, and furthermore, admitting wrongdoing would be mean utter failure and disaster to your aspirations of being a douche.
- Don’t accept ideas from anyone who hasn’t read at least three books or watched at least five YouTube or Vimeo videos on the topic at hand. Who do they think they are to come up with un-sourced ideas? Unique ideas and new information are absurd.
- The only acceptable selections of music for your repertoire are the classical artists: Bach, Beethoven, Wagner, Vivaldi, Mozart (of course, since your mother has been playing it for you since conception), Shubert, Dave Matthews, Chopin, Coldplay, Litz, and Brahms. Anything else is simply unacceptable “noise.”
- Two words: Vegan Starbucks. It’s your new diet! The more coffee and smoothies the better. A smoothie is your new chicken soup. It is good for the brain – and the soul. Any coffee that costs less than $4 per cup is downright offensive. For our aspiring douches across the pond, Earl Grey is also acceptable. Also, remember: meat is murder. Need I say more?
- Meditate daily on the magnificence of your own existence and that it was formed from nothingness and chaos. Soothe and pacify your errant original thoughts through daily meditation. Be sure to reflect on the curiousness that is your navel in the true style of DalaiLamaGhandiDavidLynchBuddhaDrPhil .Repeat this mantra until your mind is quieted: ad nauseam, ad nauseam, ad nauseam.
- If you don’t have one, purchase a thesaurus, or utilise any available – either online or Microsoft Word. Make sure before you engage in philosophical discussions, to thoroughly analyse and formulate your opinions, picking out any simplistic or crude verbiage. A thesaurus (along with your already vast knowledge of what Hawking, Darwin, Aristotle, Plato, and Ron Paul has to say) is your most important tool in intellectually blowing the minds of your soon-to-be followers.
- In a discussion, whether in person or online, choose the elite few that have adhered to these rules and become their yes man. Agree with everything they have to say. Come to their defence when attacked. Hone that relationship and mold it into your very own circle jerk.
- Look down your nose at everyone. Lift your head up high and gaze with eyes half-closed down at the peons who dare to think their intellect could even begin to compete with yours.
- Finally, have some self-respect. That good for nothing job of yours is getting you nowhere. They aren’t utilising your skills at that desk job. And management is too remedial to realise that you are brilliant. Quit that job and ride your bike over to the nearest Starbucks and apply. Surely there you will be recognised by the working stiffs for your intellect, as you make their morning venti, bold, half-caff with cinnamon dolce and room for cream. Stimulate them, not just with their morning brew, but with your mind. There is no greater calling.
September 20, 2011
edited by ANDREW HICKS
J.Miz enjoys her first virtual wine tasting*. (*Not actually J.Miz.)
- Anyone who’s surprised Sarah Palin fucked a black guy OBVIOUSLY never fucked a black guy.
- When a methhead loses a tooth, does the Tooth Fairy put a box of Sudafed under their pillow?
- My boyfriend said that I’m boring in bed. So, being a good girlfriend, I suggested he try waking me up.
- You know the economy is fucked when rappers are rhyming about how much gas they have. Seriously? Chains, diamonds, self-made premium alcohol, clothing line, record company? OUT! Full gas tank? That’s GANGSTER!
- It’s extremely hard to have a committed relationship with a drug addict. Unless you’re his dealer.
- About 10 years ago, I had a miscarriage. And it really gets me down. At tax time.
- I don’t spend a lot of time worrying about the afterlife. I like surprises. And sinning.
- They say you can please a woman by watching her please herself. I say just ask my cat. He’s SEEN things.
- Watching a show about a man who knowingly spread HIV. Boy, that takes all the fun out of me “surprise clapping” guys.
- I’ve always wanted to learn how to say, “What?! ARE YOU DEAF?!” in American Sign Language.
- When you realize you HAVE to be up in less than seven hours but SHOULD be up in five, everything you did for the last two hours seems pretty fucking pointless.
- You can tell a lot about a city by its white people in the fall.
- In retrospect, I’m pretty sure the song “I Got 5 On It” was about hand jobs.
- Women count the ways they love you in inches and dollars. #PearlsOfWisdom
- Your probation officer doesn’t appreciate you showing up for drug testing with poppy seed muffins “for everyone!” #SoIveHeard
- I’m such a narcissist, it’s taken me MONTHS to go through my phone and part with all the amazing and supportive texts I have. Sent.
- My boyfriend recently started having faint memories of being sodomized. Being a good girlfriend, I immediately increased his dosage of GHB.
- Anytime I see a crack-addicted couple, it upsets me. Then I smoke some crack. Cuz it must work for them. Modern dating is weird.
- I just got spam for a “virtual wine tasting.” What’s next? An IM blow job?? #IHateTheFuture
- I never trust a grown man who owns more than three track suits.
- Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice… that doesnt happen. i just havent reacted yet and probably was never fooled in the first place.
- I hate finding pubic hair on a toilet seat. Not as much as I hate finding a newborn on a toilet seat, but still.
- Polly wanna cracker because that bitch Polly is a fucking racist. #PearlsOfWisdom
- “You can’t love anyone until you love yourself.” -Coping With ED tips from your friends at Cialis.
- It’s life’s greatest joy to find somebody who just “gets” us. But life’s cruel joke is that it’s never just that simple.
- My boyfriend thinks I’m really into doggystyle, but I’m really not. Into his face. #ClassicJMiz
- I’m so dedicated to being a cougar, I only date guys who get a student discount at the movies.
- Growing up with a dad in entertainment taught me that I NEVER want to be the girl who “blew him when…”
- Even though I taught him to do it, every time my cat says “Mama,” I feel like one of those guys on Maury.
- My boyfriend’s comedy video is popular on YouTube. It has 500 views and 450 likes. Which means out of all those views, only 90 percent were him.
- I sometimes worry my current boyfriend thinks a lot of these jokes are about him. And doesn’t get the hint.
- My cat likes going down the porch steps and scratching the neighbors’ door. I’m checking his pockets for Watchtower pamphlets.